You want to know how I judge your hotel? Fine. Here's every single thing I'm looking at, how I score it, and why your remote control without batteries makes me twitch.
This isn't a luxury audit. I don't care about your rooftop infinity pool or your artisanal welcome basket. I care about whether I can walk in and start living comfortably within minutes.
Can I connect to the WiFi without a PhD? Does the shower produce hot water without me flipping mystery switches behind the bathroom mirror? Is there a trash can in the room, or am I supposed to just... hold my garbage?
These are not high standards. These are minimum standards that an alarming number of properties somehow fail.
No decimal points. No weighted algorithms. No "adjusted for market segment." Each of the 35 checkpoints gets scored on a dead-simple 3-point scale.
Every audit follows the same 9 phases, in the same order, every time. From the moment I message you before arrival to the moment I have to call the front desk (if I have to). Here's all of it.
The raw score out of 70 gets converted to a percentage. Here's how I read it.
Every audit follows the same capture process. Arrival happens once — you can't re-do a first impression — so I record everything as it happens.
These 11 items are observed and noted but don't contribute to the 70-point score. They're context. The kind of things you only notice after a week — or the kind of things that don't have a clean "pass/fail" but still matter when someone's deciding where to book.
These show up in the written review as qualitative notes. They won't tank your score, but they might tank my recommendation.